The Trials, Tribulations and Anxieties of Academia

Anxiety is ever present, but it is how you deal with it. Anisha puts stress into perspective - using a fluffy cow or two to help

This blog isn’t so much a ‘what can you learn’ sort of thing, but rather, a personal experience. Since getting back from my year abroad, I’ve been finding my studies at university pretty difficult, and my assignment marks disheartening. I’ll talk about some of my challenges, and the relationship between how the academic struggle manifests (or better, entrenches itself) onto my wellbeing. 
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had what some may call the ‘eldest daughter syndrome’ when it comes to work. There are multiple variations of this. Having spoken to a few people in a similar situation, this manifests itself in the importance I put on ‘good’ grades. Being a so-called over- achiever. Academic validation. Taking on a lot of responsibility, or juggling multiple commitments. Although this is something anybody is more than entitled to feel, but there’s something about that label which gives me a lot of clarity in understanding the way I am, what motivates me and why. It’s been something unravelling itself as I experience balancing different challenges, such as this current phase of deadline death. 
Facing a coursework crisis is obviously something that every student inevitably faces. But naive little me never thought it would hit this hard. I personally find it difficult to give attention to anything which doesn't have an upcoming deadline. Or rather, things often find themself sidelined as I sit on my floor and stare at my laptop for hours. The guilt of not working follows me everywhere, from my boyfriend’s birthday party, to a sunset walk to see stray highland cows (they were just as cute as you can imagine). It’s a state of feeling almost constantly overwhelmed. An essay becomes a looming dragon to slay, and my chances of defeating it become further and further the more the guilt builds. I feel like I should be doing something more productive. More useful. That whatever I do just isn’t enough. Whilst I don’t regret spending time at birthday parties, or following straggling cows, I’ve noticed just how much I am haunted by the pressures I put on myself. 
Writing about what I have learnt is quite tricky when I’m still feeling the burden and pressure of my university courses. Perhaps you might find this blog insightful. Perhaps you might even find it relatable or consoling. I’m torn between talking about a few bad marks in my past assignments as a hellish nightmare (yes, it seems to me now that my demons are not clowns or big spiders, but a few numbers on a transcript) and laughing at how ridiculous all my anxiety is. However, when I do take a dose of my own medicine, noticing what I am grateful for, and pumping some perspective into life, things seem a little bit lighter. As I’ve mentioned on previous blogs, finding a balance is key. In my example, for instance, I am trying not to trivialise my academic anxieties (understanding where they come from, and why the expectations I hold myself against seem to be somewhat productive). However, at the same time, it is calming to do that whole fun thought experiment of perspective— ‘we’re just specks on a giant bit of floating rock.’ Because both can be true at the same time. They most definitely can co-exist
I hope, in sharing a small snippet of my experience, you also remember to take a small teaspoon of understanding and a (bit of a) bite into perspective. I, too, will also be trying (although the sunset walks are turning rapidly into 5pm pitch-black stumbles).
Author

​Anisha Jaya Minocha is studying English and Spanish at the University of St Andrews, where she is School President for English. She worked in Andalucía, teaching. She is a writer and poet whose work has been showcased in winning competitions, readings and anthologies. She co-edits SINK Magazine, which gives a platform to Northern creatives, and founded the "Roots"" project with Friends of the Earth, developed during her writing residency with environmental charity Green and Away, exploring intersections between South Asian identity and ecology. Twitter: @anisha_jaya

Picture: Quaritsch Photography @ Unsplash